FOR the most wild, yet most homely narrative which I am about to pen, I neither expect nor solicit belief. Mad indeed would I be to expect it, in a case where my very senses reject their own evidence.

Yet, mad am I not -- and very surely do I not dream.

6.9.10

Geeksploitation.

I have spoken a lot on this blog about my affinity for geek culture and all things nerdy (apart from gay stuff like D&D and WoW). This entry into the highly exciting world of BlogSpot however, deals with quite possibly the biggest threat to our way of living. ‘The meek shall inherit the earth’; a few years ago this popular biblical quote was modified to ‘the geeks shall inherit the earth’. Past MircoApple (AppSoft?), I see no evidence of this.

One could argue that the last few years has seen an increase in ‘geek culture’ – namely science fiction shows and comic book movies securing themselves a more prominent role in everyday media. But I move for people to realise that this is not the case – no, my friends, what we have here is something I like to call Geeksploitation. Dictionary.com will come to define it as “the exploitation of blacks geeks, esp. in movies featuring or intending to appeal to blacks geeks”, and the word itself will probably be the most popular buzzword of the second decade of this here century.

Unfortunately, by the time I make it to Comic Con (the holiest of all pilgrimages) it will be a shadow of its former self. Movie studios will be there promoting ‘Titanic 2’ and ‘Alvin and the Chipmunks meet Scooby Doo and Friends in 3D’ – taking up valuable floor space with actors who literally have no idea where they are or what they have gotten themselves into. 24 was arguably my favourite show, but it had no business having a C-Con booth. The Other Guys was a hilarious movie, but why was it promoted in San Diego? As far as I can tell, the only good thing to come out of the Geeksploitation movement is Olivia Munn – which is quite handy, as I’m demanding the US government hand her over to the geeks as part of our reparations settlement.



Wait...what?

Damn, why are so many people I know getting engaged? And how will I know when I’ve moved over from the camp that makes fun of the married people, to the camp who are made fun of for not being married? Hopefully the transition is many moons away.

If anyone has seen Next with Nicolas Cage – I am convinced this is one of the greatest super powers of all time. Basically the guy can see a few seconds into his own future – effectively granting him an undo button on life. You’re sat in a meeting, you need to toot, but you’re not sure whether or not you will a) follow through, or b) make an embarrassingly loud noise. With Nic Cage powers you’d be sorted. This got me thinking, what would out world be like if there was an actual ‘undo’ button for life? And how often would you forget about the maximum undo limit, and end up with a tattoo on your bum of the name of a girl you just met? Still, it would sure as shit be better than having that annoying Microsoft Office paper clip guy jumping out at you every five seconds.

This segweys into possibly the greatest idea I have ever had. Brace yourselves.

Braced?

A comic book featuring Nic Cage, where he possesses every single power/skill that he’s ever had in any of his movies. It might actually be the best thing in the world ever. Think about it. Just off the top of my head, the Nic Cage character would be an immortal sorcerer lovesick angel, who at dusk, changes into a flaming skeleton ghost rider who can see a few seconds into his own future…who just so happens to be a world class marksman with a crippling obsessive compulsive disorder, have a penchant for blind chicks, is a world renown nuclear physicist for the FBI, an ex-con in the wrong place at the wrong time (while wearing another man’s face), moonlights as a TV weatherman as a front for his global arms trafficking, which only furthers his heroin addiction, but fuels his amazing powers to steal cars in 60 seconds while solving insanely illogical historical puzzles - all while waging a war on crime with Adam West-inspired diction.
I would buy that book, and/or watch that show.


Automatic Win.

There were some crazy people in the news this week who attempted to fly (read: fell) off the top of some skyscrapers, thinking they were superheroes. I have no sympathy for these people. If you wanted to test your newly acquired flying capabilities, why not just stand on the ground and jump up.

Something else that had my brain working overtime this week; when one starts dating – do you hide your internet history or not? We’ve all been there – you’ve just handed over your laptop to a friend, they click on and begin to type in the address box, when your heart stops and you think ‘wait, just how many porn websites have I visited that begin like that?’ At that point you either snatch back the potentially incriminating machine arousing suspicion, or you bite the bullet and shrug your shoulders. So, to hide or not to hide?

The immediate response from most of us is: hide. But when you start to really think, and I mean really think about it, we shouldn’t at all. We are men, and as such we have a predisposition to look at naked women – it’s not our fault, honest. You should try being more understanding. And besides, how long can you expect to hold up the charade? She’ll find out sooner or later. And she’ll probably be angry that you were lying to her all the time, hiding your true self from her. Yeah, that’s it. Show her your porn stash and the two of you will become much closer on a spiritual level. Not to hide.

Besides. My internet habits are complex and beastly – and I sure as hell will not be able to remember the masses upon masses of stored passwords and adult ‘material’ that I so frequently enjoy. I’m siding with not to hide on this issue.

Blu-tac. Is the colour just a by-product, or is there effort that goes into making it so?

And finally... I bullshitted my way into Business School last week (which makes me think that I should probably clean this blog up a little – and definitely delete the last few paragraphs). When I confided in a friend of mine that I was a little worried I was able to do so with relative ease, and that I was worried I’d be far behind the other students, he pointed out to me that business is essentially bullshit in a nice suit.

2 comments:

Andrew said...

When Dean started seeing the other half of his Singularity, she said that her view on pr0n browsing was that it was something acceptable for a lonely single guy...but that he should ostensibly have no need for it inasmuch as she is in his life.

Related or not, you decide, to that first comment: Will Nic Cage have a topless scene in said movie of yours?

Phil Shanahan said...

You will never let that die, will you?

In response to your other comment, there is quite clearly a buffer-paragraph about superheroes between my Nic Cage and Porn rants, which makes sense; Nic Cage - Kickass - Superheroes - Giving me a boner - Sex - P0rn.