FOR the most wild, yet most homely narrative which I am about to pen, I neither expect nor solicit belief. Mad indeed would I be to expect it, in a case where my very senses reject their own evidence.

Yet, mad am I not -- and very surely do I not dream.


I'm from the Internet.

There should be an age restrictor on self-serve tills in supermarkets.  Too many times have I opted for the quick and easy option of self service only to be confounded at every turn by the stout appearance of an old timer. Sometimes it’s that I only have one or two items, other times it’s that the nature of my purchase is somewhat embarrassing. Either way, I reserve the right to be served in a timely manner, and for that reason I propose we ban all old people from supermarkets.

It’s a well known medical fact that by age 30, a human brain simply cannot fathom any kind of new technology: computers, DVD players, complicated tin openers, the list goes on. I am not blaming these people’s brains for not understanding the technology; it is out of their control – what I am blaming them for is their refusal to accept said fact, and their ongoing attempts to use modern technology. Self service tills are such a technology that should not even be attempted. Please listen to reason. And while we’re on the subject – touch screen technology has own exacerbated the problem, as now I see old people prodding every screen they see, with their bony, witch-like fingers.

Surely, I am not thet only one who thinks Decepticon.

I would very much like to write a book, but I have trouble organising my thoughts. No, that isn’t it. I have trouble organising my bum into a chair for long enough periods that I scribble down ideas before they leave my end or morph into something else. If I were to write a book now, it would resemble this blog: ideas scattered around sticking to some sort of indiscernible plot or continuity, the opening and closing paragraphs often regarding two completely different subjects. There would no doubt be a monkey in the first half, and a rocket ship in the second. This is just a list of ideas that I have haphazardly thrown together in an attempt to form some sort of column. That’s where the happiness is, column writing. Mmm…feel that sweet, warm security. Bathe in it.

If you have a pair of scissors and you remove the pin holding the two blades together – would you have a scissor in one hand, and a scissor in the other? As a work colleague mused, the answer to that question probably lies somewhere in the root of the word, incisor.

Madden NFL 11 is pissing me off. Yes, I only have the demo so far as it hasn’t been released in the UK yet…but geez guys. I didn’t spend days on NFL 10 learning all the routes and plays (which is hard for a non-native to the sport) only to have you slap me in the face with the all new retard-encouraging Gameflow system. Its just like that Mario game that helps you if you get stuck, or like the little paperclip man in Microsoft Word – both of them suck and just make people lazy. And people who play video games already, do not need things being made easier for them.

Forever a classic.

I have had some success in getting things from people, for the promise of using their name or likeness in some material later down the line. I wonder how long I can stretch this out before people realise that it will never happen? And how high I can go with it? Jeff Goldblum said on Top Gear that he once got a Jeep, just because he agreed to show up to the press conference driving in one. “I will take this apartment from you, with the understanding that I will base the protagonist of my second opus on you. What is your name, kind yet stupid sir? John? Excellent. We have a deal. Keys? Great. Goodbye John, I’ll see you for the paperback edition.” 

I have a degree in English. But why is it that when you have a degree in Spanish or German or French, you actually have skills pertaining to the job market?

How come it is illegal to urinate in public, but it’s not illegal to urinate in your pants in public? These things keep me up at night, usually while I’m outside peeing.

I feel as though if world government had no strict immigration laws – countries would be just like bars. All the underage people would hang out somewhere, all the 18-25yr olds somewhere else, and all the people clinging onto their youth would go somewhere else. Countries would go through phases of being cool and un-cool, chic and non chic – and you’d always be able to move someplace else when it became too popular and started attracting douchebags. You wouldn’t have problems with illegal immigrants then, only illegal cougars.

Who invented wallpaper? Nobody has ever been able to answer me.

My screenplay, “Learning to be Possessed” just made it through to the third round of the Kaos British Feature Screenplay Competition – which makes me think that perhaps it wasn’t that bad after all. The winner’s screenplay goes into production with upwards of a £2million budget (not a huge amount I know), and the finalists all get a Mac, some software and some even get an agent. I would honestly trade in winning the competition, and a free Mac (no surprise there) if I could get Ari Gold to be my agent.

My work consists of sitting at a desk all day pretending to do things while I click back and forth between open windows. This causes my brain to turn to mulch, it stifles my creativity, removes rhyme and reasoning, and grinds me into becoming a drone. I view this as being a form of sensory deprivation and therefore a direct violation of my human rights. Relax your internet laws Mr CEO, porn breaks at lunch have been proven to be great motivators: “Yes, I’ll have the BLT, a mocha, aaand gimme Back Door Action Sluts 3.”
Plug the comic book. I have a comic book coming out, though its looking as thought its going to be pushed back to Easter time 2011. Sad face.